I will thread my thoughts into a story:
One day an innocent girl of a very young age is not wearing enough clothing to be modest. Innocent girl does not have a concept of what it means to be modest nor have the exposure to understand what it is needed for. A young boy of a less innocent age is caught being courious or even tempted at what he sees.
This is the part of the story in which our fellow Christians let a worldly view seep into how adults should handle this situation.
The shroud of shame is the name of this game.
Let's follow the boy's story for a bit.
The boy is perhaps scolded or his interest ignored. But often it is made clear to him that this is just the way he is. "Boys will be boys", all men are hopeless at containing their thoughts and this sin is unbeatable. He gets an impression pretty quick from the typical reaction that this is a fight no man can win. A battle best kept silent. A struggle that, in such a wierd way, is both widely recognised as a struggle for all men but hushed to a point that they feel they are the ONLY fish swimming upstream. The boy continues to be curious without any guidance which then leads to no help or prayer from his elder men when he thinks a sinful thought. As this boy turns to be a man he has developed a cycle of thoughts or sometimes actions followed by shame and followed by extreme silencing. This cycle is often fuelled by porn. Obejectifying women is an attempt to eliminate the shame because the other option (dealing with our thoughts head on) has been deemed impossible. Depending on how terrible this shame cycle of silence continues, the now man can no longer even hold a decent thought of a woman without the taint of the other thoughts boiling beneath.
Now to the little girl:
The adults in her life find it easier to pound her with the hammer of modesty than to deal with the boys or men who leer at her. Modesty should be taught as a part of being a woman of God. A way to protect beautiful parts of her body that God gave her. A chance to be the Proverbs 31 woman; the woman that is shrouded in clothing that protects not shames. Unfortunately, if this girl grows up in the present day Christain church what will often happens is this:
Girl will be told that modesty is a tool for making sure men won't think about them sinfully.
Covering up is the only way to ensure a man never thinks or does anything sinful towards you. In the case of this girl, she soaks it all in and struggles to cover any hint of a womanly figure. Beauty becomes a curse and her body just becomes a shameful object. She strives to carry the weight of not ever making a man sin. But one day, now a woman, she is in public on a hot day sweating away in her most modest attire. Her largest longsleave shirt and sweats make her feel a little pious about all the temptresses wearing shorts. A cat call rings out. She looks around at for the immodest girl that must be out looking for attention. But to her dismay, she is the only person in view. Another cat call and suggestive looks her way are devastatingly discouraging. If she can tempt men in attire that does not even show a womanly curve, what is the point!? This conclusion can often lead to women throwing in the towel (or forgoing it all together) on modesty. The best conclusion, they decide, is that men should just control their thoughts. Which is true! They should. But going around in attire the world has carefully constructed to make it difficult (not impossible) for men to control their worst thoughts is not the solution.
These two stories represent the better of the results often seen in this type of training.
In the end we all run around feeling shame and hopelessness.
The solution?
God specifically addresses confessing our sin to one another. Parents need to allow their children to come to them with their temptations. Pray with your children about these things. Be the example of discussing temptation. This is super hard and is going to take some humble pie eating on my part to grasp but with God's help I know this is possible.
Shrouding children with shame will never have better results.
